


Thoughts going around

by Ostodvandi



Category: Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken | Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Ninian is only mented, arguments and sad stuff in general, good ending, oh boy so much angst, since well she's dead and all-
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 11:03:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14424045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ostodvandi/pseuds/Ostodvandi
Summary: Eliwood has always believed in one true love, and Ninian was supposed to be his only one. But now his beloved is gone, and the world goes on, including his own guilt-filled heart.





	Thoughts going around

**Author's Note:**

> I'm unoriginal so I used a title from a FE4's song that was especially useful to write this. Thanks saunatonttu for the proofreading!

‘Lord Eliwood!’

 

The lack of an answer makes the maid call him again in a more energetic voice. But lord Eliwood is already awake, staring at the ray of sunshine that reaches his hand. He sighs tiredly as he gets up from the double bed.

 

‘Good morning!’ he finally answers, in the most upbeat tone he manages to pull off. ‘Sorry! I overslept a little.’

 

The maid says something else before going away, and the silence returns to the room. It’s a little lonely, but Eliwood is slowly getting used to it.

 

Which is terrifying in some ways he’d rather not think about today.

 

As he gets ready, he looks in the mirror, and two tired blue eyes look back at him. They seem to ask something, but Eliwood himself doesn’t really know what he wants.

 

Ninian coming back? That’s impossible.

 

Finding someone else? That’s treacherous. Eliwood shakes his head, keeping that idea out of his mind.

 

But there aren’t many options left. Eliwood sighs, looking at the bouquet of flowers that was placed on his table yesterday, and manages to crack a sad smile. It’s going to be a long day.

 

* * *

 

The way to the cemetery is quiet and peaceful, and, as usual, Marcus leaves him alone when they’re about to arrive. Eliwood takes his time walking besides the graves of his ancestors, feeling the soft breeze that always welcomes him to this place of rest, like a salute from the ones that are gone.

 

He finally arrives to the most recent grave, and kneels to leave the bouquet of flowers on the gravestone.

 

As usual, words fail him when he’s there. Longing slowly wraps around his heart and lungs, and even if it’s not as suffocating as it was almost two years ago, Eliwood still needs to take a deep breath.

 

Does Ninian sense his thoughts from wherever she is even if he can’t voice them?

 

‘Hello, sweetheart.’ Eliwood waits for an answer. Of course, the cemetery remains silent. ‘I’m sorry, it’s been a while since the last time I came visit you. As I told you the last time, Roy is going to study in Ostia for some years… We’ve been preparing for it. I’m going to miss training him myself… It’ll still take some time until he moves there definitely, but I’m a bit worried already... Apart of that, everything is the same. Rebecca fell ill some weeks ago, but she’s fine now. ’

The wind answers. Eliwood, with his eyes closed, tries to feel Ninian’s hug in the fresh breeze.

 

‘I’ll bring you flowers from Ostia when I come back, alright?’ Slowly, Eliwood gets up. ‘Goodbye, my love.’

 

* * *

 

No matter how many years passed, Hector would always wake up early on instinct when a visit from Eliwood was expected. This cold morning is no exception, as he finds himself waking up before the sun itself, unable to fall asleep again.

 

In his chest, he can feel the remains of what once was a teenage crush and now is just a whole bunch of feelings that cling to his heart, refusing to go away. Trapped as Hector is, his mind starts wandering far away from the room, fantasizing of the moment when Eliwood and his son arrive.

 

In an ideal world, Eliwood would give him a sweet smile. Hector would hold and kiss his hands, and Eliwood would get close enough for Hector to kiss and embrace him. In this ideal world, even Uther would be watching them with fondness in his tired eyes. Hector would have clear memories of Eliwood dressed in blue, white and gold while confessing his eternal love for the general of Ostia.

 

But such ideal, naive illusions had no space or time out of Hector’s fantasies.

 

Hector’s smile freezes and vanishes slowly, putting his self indulgence to an end as the sun starts rising and he gets up. On the nightstand, there’s the history book that Lilina accidentally left in his room yesterday, and between the pages of the book, a petal of a Pheraean flower sticks out.

 

Who would have thought that a pressed flower could last for so long, Hector thinks.

 

A messenger knocks at his door, telling him lord Eliwood of Pherae has arrived.

 

* * *

 

‘So, why did you ask me to see the gardens?’

 

‘It’s nothing important, really… You didn’t even have to come with me.’

 

‘Well, I’m curious.’

 

‘Flowers. I promised Ninian I’d bring her flowers.’

 

Hector tries to not grimace at those words. ‘Ah, I see. Special flowers, I guess.’

 

‘Exactly. Something I can’t find in Pherae…’

 

‘Let’s see…’

 

If he’s being honest, it is enough for Eliwood to just spend an evening like this by Hector’s side. He could search for the flowers alone later, when Hector would be too busy for him.

 

Funny thing, Hector always tried to get as much done as possible for when Eliwood would arrive, so that he could dedicate himself to moments like these when he could see Eliwood’s smile and hear his voice, clear and warm despite the years and some misfortunes.

 

‘Ah, these look good.’

 

Hector frowns, as Eliwood squats down to take a closer look at said flowers. ‘Those have thorns, you’re going to hurt yourself.’

 

‘It’s fine. It’s pointless if I don’t pick them up myself.’

 

‘Your romanticism doesn’t justify- hey, are you listening to me?’

 

‘I’ve told- auch, I’ve told you it’s fine.’

 

‘Eliwood…’

 

‘Don’t talk to me like I’m a teenager, Hector.’

 

Surprisingly, Hector stays silent. From time to time, he’d hear Eliwood use that tone. He always sounds so hurt. And he always uses that tone when talking about Ninian or something related to her… As much as Eliwood tried to pretend, and as many years could pass, Hector fears it’s a wound that Eliwood will never manage to heal, at least not fully.

 

Which means that his own internal wound will keep bleeding too.

 

Hector groans, telling himself off for being so selfish.

 

‘Ah, I think this amount will be enough.’

 

Eliwood’s hands tremble a little, as they wrap a fabric around the stems. He stares at his flowers, at the fabric with little red dots from his own blood. Did the thorns hurt that badly…

 

‘Eliwood!’

 

‘Ah?’

 

The bouquet falls to the ground, and Eliwood desperately grabs it back.

 

‘Eliwood. Eliwood, your hands are bleeding.’

 

‘It’s-- It’s fine, fine… It doesn’t hurt.’

 

‘Sure.’ Hector mutters, grabbing Eliwood’s wrist. ‘Come here, we’re going to heal that mess.’

 

‘Hector…’

 

* * *

 

Hector found that there was something peaceful about being in this room, healing Eliwood’s wounds. Hector’s hands weren’t made for delicate care like this, but for some time Hector did believe his hands were made to hold Eliwood’s. It was a fantasy he still clings to sometimes: that maybe he was destined for this, even if life had proven him wrong already.

 

He loves Eliwood’s hands, just like he loves everything about him.

 

‘I think it’s done, Hector…’

 

‘I don’t trust your common sense anymore, Eli.’ He smiles, with the same amusement as every time Hector would call him that.

 

‘You know? It must be such an odd picture for anyone… I mean, this. You, healing me so delicately…’

 

‘Ah, I guess it is.’ Hector frowns. ‘Am I that intimidating?’

 

‘You are. Though some years ago you’d have loved to be as intimidating as possible…’

 

‘Things change, I guess.’ Hector murmurs, wrapping the last bandage around Eliwood’s hand.

 

‘They… definitely do.’

 

Hector holds Eliwood’s hands, knowing that it only helps this warm feeling in his chest grow. Looking into Eliwood’s eyes will only hurt him more, but he stares at that clear, pure blue anyway.

 

He’d give almost anything to kiss him right now. Just how hopeless can a person be, he wonders.

 

‘Ah.’ Eliwood suddenly looks away, like Hector’s stare is burning him, and clenches his hands on his knees. The Ostian blinks. ‘Sorry, I… I’m not feeling well.’

 

‘Did I hurt you?’

 

‘No, no, I just… It’s nothing.’

 

Hector lets it pass, but notices a soft red lighting up Eliwood’s cheeks. It could be his own imagination playing tricks on him, though…

 

‘Some kind of intrusive thought?’

 

‘Yes, kind of…’ Eliwood sighs. ‘...Hector. Where’s your ring?’

 

‘My ring?’

 

‘Yes, your… your engagement ring. Where is it?’

 

‘Ah… Well, it’s at my room, I think.’

 

‘You think? Why in heavens are you not wearing it?’

 

Hector tilts his head, confused.

 

‘Eli, I don’t understand what you mean. My wife is dead. There’s no point in wearing that ring now.’

 

Eliwood gets up, visibly irritated. ‘So you can just forget about her like she never existed?’ this sudden accusing tone wasn’t something Hector had heard before.

 

‘What the hell… Eliwood, listen. I never loved her, and she never loved me. What’s the point then?’

 

‘You should at least show some respect for the woman that gave you Lilina.’

 

Hector huffs and frowns, slightly offended. ‘Respect? It’s not like I threw that ring to the waves or some dramatic shit like that.’

 

‘Still, you’re telling me she meant nothing to you.’

 

‘That’s not…’

 

‘What is it then?’ Eliwood’s tone rises, making Hector take one step back and inhale slowly.

 

‘Listen. I’ve told you this already. I didn’t love her, she didn’t love me, I bet you know what a matrimony for convenience is, right?’

 

‘Still, you…’

 

Hector growls, annoyed. ‘Eliwood, not all of us can have cute, precious, beautiful love stories like you had! You were lucky. You were and still are an idealist, and it worked for you. But most of the world doesn’t have that. And we have to stick with whatever crap life has for us.’

 

‘...Feel free to do the same when I die, then.’

 

Hector’s face makes Eliwood realize instantly that he has gone too far.

 

‘As you wish, then. I will.’ The Ostian gets up and holds the doorknob. ‘And, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to be alone.’

 

‘Hector. Hector, I’m-’

 

Hector turns his back to him, shutting the door on his face before he can finish the sentence.

 

‘...sorry…’

 

Eliwood curls up against the wall, and, pressing his hands against his chest, starts crying.

 

* * *

 

It is sunny and calm when the father and son arrive in Pherae again, Eliwood holding the flowers with one hand, and the other on Roy’s back. The boy runs to Rebecca, who ruffles his hair affectionately.

 

They start chatting, but Eliwood grips the bouquet a bit tighter and walks towards the gardens.

 

‘Dad? Where are you going?’

 

‘I’m going to see mom and bring her the flowers. I’ll be right back, sweetheart.’

 

The child simply nods, with a very serious face.

 

It takes some time to arrive at the cemetery, and a bit more to arrive at Ninian’s grave, but Eliwood is still not ready.

 

* * *

 

 

‘When Hector held my hands…’ Eliwood purses his lips, inhaling like he’s about to confess a crime. ‘I felt warm, and safe. Just like when you were here, Ninian… And it was a good feeling, but… Why do I… feel so guilty…’ The wind doesn’t blow this time to comfort him with an illusion of Ninian’s embrace.

 

‘I… don’t want to forget you, Ninian, I… You were my first love, and… aren’t people supposed to have one true love? Weren’t you supposed to be the only one? Was… Hector right all along… have I been a fool? I don’t know… I really don’t know... Oh, Ninian, how I wish you were here...’

 

Silence answers, and his shaky hands leave the flowers on the grave. He finds Marcus waiting for him at the entrance of the cemetery as usual, and manages to crack a smile that only lasts for some minutes.

 

‘Milord?’

 

‘Yes?’

 

‘I know these visits tire you, but you look more absent than usual.’

 

‘Ah.’

 

‘Something worries you. It’s been happening since we came back from Ostia.’

 

‘You can see right through me, can’t you… Or maybe I’m being too obvious…’ Marcus stays silent. ‘Hector and I had a fight. Yes, I… I know, you don’t have to make that face.’

 

‘I’m sorry, lord Eliwood. I suspected it would be something like that.’

 

‘You did?’

 

‘Hector is one of the few people that, I think, could disturb you to this extent.’

 

‘He sure is… Marcus. I believe I can trust you on this. Do you think… There’s only one true love for everyone?’

 

‘Mm. That certainly is what legends and novels say. I don’t know much about the matter, but I don’t think it applies in our world.’

 

Eliwood closes his eyes for a moment, taking in those words. ‘Would you call a person who believes in this idea a fool?’

 

‘Not exactly. Too idealistic, perhaps?’ Marcus sighs.

 

‘Is there something you would like to tell me, Marcus?’

 

‘If I’m allowed to be completely honest with you, milord… You have been clinging to lady Ninian’s memory for a long time. I understand you were deeply in love with her, but… If life is giving you other opportunities, I believe that you should take them. Your wellbeing is important, lord Eliwood, and that includes your happiness.’

 

‘...Now you’re reminding me of Hector, in some way… But what makes love special, then… And how is one supposed to forget the love of his life?’ Eliwood looks up to the sky, not noticing Marcus’s stare. ‘I know of no way to do that without feeling like an awful husband just thinking of it.’

 

‘I can’t give you a definitive answer to that, milord. But, if you don’t mind one last comment… Lady Ninian would have wanted for you to be as happy as possible after her departure.’

 

Eliwood smiles warmly, looking at the sky like he knew Ninian was there behind a few clouds that still remained.

 

‘She would… I can almost hear her saying that.’

 

This time, the wind blows, enhancing the smile on Eliwood’s face.

 

* * *

 

Lilina stands in front of that door for what feels like many days. She knows that dad doesn’t stop working on whatever thing marquesses do until a certain hour, but she has the impatience typical of a child. She could just knock that door and look at him with puppy eyes, but that should be her last resort. All that’s left is playing with her own hands until dad opens the door and says he’s done.

 

Suddenly, a messenger appears on the corridor, staring at Lilina for a brief second before knocking on Hector’s door.

 

Lilina pouts. It is _her_ turn to play with dad.

 

‘Yes?’

 

‘Lord Hector, you have a guest.’

 

‘A guest? Tell them I’m not expecting anyone.’ Lilina nods, agreeing with this grumpy statement. ‘Who the h…’ Dad stares at her, like he just realized she’s there. ‘Who is it?’

 

‘It’s… Well, it’s lord Eliwood, sir.’

 

‘Uncle Eliwood?!’ Lilina smiles widely, her eyes bright. However, Hector needs a moment to react to that.

 

‘...Eliwood? Why would he… ’ Hector blinks, but manages a smile as he holds Lilina on his arms and smooches her cheek. ‘Be a patient girl and wait here, alright?’

 

‘Can’t I see uncle Eliwood?’

 

‘Yes, just… later, alright?’ For some reason, the sudden visit from his friend sends a shiver down Hector’s spine. A bad feeling? He doesn’t know. But he’s nervous. The last time they talked…  ‘I’ll come here with him in a second.’

 

‘Aaaaaalriiiight…’

 

‘Thank you, Lili.’

 

Another smooch on her cheek, before Hector leaves to meet his unexpected guest.

 

Hector knows Ostia feels like a comfortable place for Eliwood. Not like a second home, but yes like a good place to be at and rest. That’s why when he arrives at that room, and sees Eliwood standing in such an uncomfortable way —playing nervously with his hands, staring at the floor— his worries only grow even more.

 

‘Eliwood?’

 

‘Ah, Hector.’ His nervous smile matches the rest of his attitude.

 

‘Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?’

 

‘Well, it was a pretty sudden decision.’ Eliwood purses his lips, looking away from Hector.

‘Don’t worry, it’s just a quick visit. I plan to go back home tomorrow. And everything is fine at Pherae.’

 

Well, at least one of Hector’s worst worries was discarded.

 

‘Then why…’

 

‘Hector.’

 

‘Mmh?’

 

Eliwood finally gets closer, and his blue stare is so intense that Hector’s pulse accelerate instantly.

 

‘There’s something I need to talk with you. Urgently. Are you going to listen to me?’

 

Hector blinks, and his useless hopes skyrocket as the words come out of his mouth. ‘Of course.’


End file.
